SMFS!!we're moving to california this weekend and i feel really bad for my sisters ;(

 I always thought that in order for me to have the perfect love story it would have to be the "romeo and juliet" stereotype. the forbidden love, heart racing, whispering i love you, sneaking around relationship. The ones singer's sung about, writers wrote about. The twilight romance...but in all honesty..all i wanted was that one person and no one else mattered...the one guy i could rely on, and love unconditionally and irrevocably.

but I discovered that things could be different. I know I haven't written in here in over a year, and the truth is it might've been the best year for me to write in my blog because there were so many changes to me over the past year. I discovered what love is, and I ended up going through a few heartbreaks before I realized that the ideal perfect love that I had always dreamed about, even though it wasn't the "romeo and juliet" stereotype, did exist. That i could look at the boy i'm in love with and see every ideal characteristic and then some in that one person

Over the past summer I got "engaged", or I was "promised" to Mr. Aaron Benson. He was going to be leaving for the merchant marine academy in the middle of the summer and in order for me to know that he wasn't planning for anything or anyone to come between us he gave me this gorgeous ring. I didn't cry like I always thought I would, and quite frankly it was kind of like I knew what was coming. It wasn't a surprise and it most certainly wasn't something that Aaron wouldn't do for me. I thought I was set for life. I knew the next 4 or 8 or however many years he would have to be there would be difficult as hell with him going to different bases, going to school on the other side of the country, plus my lack of love towards the whole army/military ordeal definitely didn't help to say the least..but nevertheless I tried. He and I had been together since february 12th of 2008, and quite frankly I thought we were in love, or atleast what I like to say we were, "in some form of love". But as time went on as he was in NY and I was in AZ I realized that it wasn't him that I was in love with, but the ideals that came with our relationship...I wanted to be highschool sweethearts like my grandparents were, and like I knew my little sister was going to be someday, I wanted to be able to say that I loved him as irrevocably and unconditionally as he loved me, and that when I thought about a long-distance relationship that I thought it made my heart grow fonder of him..not more distant. But as mid-july rolled around, I realized that my heart wasn't growing fonder but more distant...He and I fought more and more as I started to miss having someone to cuddle with, to hold my hand, and to comfort me because unfortunately I worry a lot. and yet I couldn't make him understand that he needed to be on the west coast for me to feel better. We had already figured out that I wasn't going to see him till thanksgiving because I had choir when he was free, and he had to stay in NY when i had a fun event like homecoming or a choir concert  But I still tried. I can't really count how many times I cried over last summer. I would twirl my ring on my finger, take it on and off..and just picture what would happen if I just broke up with him right then and there..but I thought maybe this was just me worrying, I didn't realize that if I was really in love with aaron than I wouldn't be having any of those kind of thoughts..I wouldn't be thinking about how I could handle life without him..instead I just thought I should stay with him because I would be set for life, I could tell my kids that I married my highschool sweetheart. I started doing more cute things for him, not cause I wanted him to see I cared, but simply to convince myself that what I thought was between us was real. That maybe I could just be happy for once, that I hadn't made yet another mistake in a relationship..because relationship mistakes had become an adjective of me. When people saw me, or when I Looked at myself in the mirror that was one of the first things I realized, I was a mess-up with relationships, i couldn't make him happy, I couldn't choose the right one, I couldn't love unconditionally and irrevocably. Even with aaron there were conditions. I would love him only if he came back to the west coast, only if he chose to stay stateside when he had to serve his military "time", only if this was going to work, if we would really be financially set, if he didn't cheat. there were so many conditions. and on top of all this I wanted to prove his and my family wrong, I knew there were doubts that we would actually stay together and get married someday. He had family that hated my guts because I was white. I had family who thought that me going to california would do it, that I would fall for one of those beach boys, mess around, and just forget about aaron. Not to mention that even aaron's little brother joked about that very thing, "oh, you're going to cali. no way could you stay faithful while you were there"

Then I started to talk to him. My mind was so boggled and jumbled up, I needed to start talking to people, hanging out, acting like a normal girl about to go into college. not a girl who waited in front of the computer for her boyfriend's SN to go bold so that she could talk to him on IM or get a message from him on facebook, he was no longer just a part of life. pleasing him became my life. So I was on facebook, and I noticed that there were some cool looking people in my "people you may know" module...I knew I was going to CLU in about a month and it might be a good idea just to know a few people. I was already friends with a girl named jordana and I was searching through her friends and friend-requesting all the people that looked pretty nice and genuine. I friend-requested a boy named Elliott Ness. Within the next few minutes he had accepted my friend request and I noticed he was online, his status was "got texting. text me at (- - -)- - - - - - -". so I started thinking and decided to IM him. soon enough we were talking non-stop and I decided to text him just so that he had my number to text me back. His pictures on facebook were cute, and he seemed like a really nice guy. Aaron didn't know what i was doing but even during his and my web-cam conversations, or when were IMing on the computer my phone was right next to me so that I didn't miss a text from elliott. He made life seem so simple and I never had to worry about anything. It was all smiles and laughs when he and i talked. I told him how much I loved singing and he asked me to sing a song for him. i was so nervous but i did it, I recorded a copy of "don't worry" (how ironic) and sent it to him in a phone message. I was so nervous because this would be a spontaneous thing for me. I barely knew this boy but we were sending eachother pictures and videos like we had known eachother for years. It soon came to the point that when he was off helping the football team from 6-9 pm, I found myself making sure to keep busy just for those three hours: procrastinate my chores..find a good tv show...read a good book. I just had to make sure those 3 hours went by as fast as possible so that as soon as he was done I would be ready for us to have our traditional nighttime conversations..the random 20 question game, or my favorite- the "either-or game". I would choose two things, and say either ___ or ___. it was always fun to see how much we had in common..especially when we started talking about more romantic things like our perfect christmas setting in a cabin with snow..my obsession with cuddling and being close to the one I love, his love for sports. how his and my dad's favorite football was the same. He was the most genuine guy I had ever text messaged and it made me nervous. Aaron knew I was talking to someone, but i was so nervous to admit it was a boy..and a boy I think I was getting a crush on at that. Every time I tried to say something cute to aaron, or when I wrote him a song for our anniversary in august, I just kept thinking about Elliott, what would I want to tell elliott if we were going out.  I wrote one of my best songs thinking about him. I was so happy and I posted it up on facebook, it was called waiting. But everyone thought it was me talking about aaron, how I was waiting for him to come home, for him to be back with me. But I wouldn't post the lyrics. The lyrics became a secret that everyone wanted to hear, that even Elliott teased me about and wanted to know so badly..But i wasn't ready for the realization that I wasn't in love with aaron. Elliott had filled my mind with so many ideas of what love was really like..and everytime I pictured it I was with him. I was holding his hand, cuddling with him, kissing him, walking in the park with him, laying in the grass..all my romantic dreams weren't with aaron anymore..they were with him. I was the only one who knew this..my lyrics were all about him and those dreams. How I wanted those to be real. I was waiting for reality to hit me so that I could follow what love really was, but I was so nervous because I didn't want to give up the constant stability that aaron's relationship had given me, and I was so nervous that maybe Elliott didn't feel this, maybe he was texting a few other girls..using what he told me with them too..a few pickup lines here and there to secure a few girls to hook up with when we got to CLU. I was so nervous that maybe my little fantasies about him and I making the perfect couple were just me..and to think I was thinking this while I was dating someone else made it even worse. I kept hoping I wouldn't crush aaron when he finally found out..even if I didn't go with Elliott I would have to tell aaron, I couldn't keep something that my heart was feeling and i kept thinking from him. I had to tell him. But I didn't. I acted like nothing had happened and I just kept doing what I was doing. I text Elliott all day..we never talked on the phone and I was so nervous to finally hear his voice, to realize that he was a real person that actually thought the same things I did and wanted the same things in a relationship that I always wanted. But that didn't matter. I kept talking to aaron and elliott at the same time. saying goodmorning and goodnight to elliott and having a conversation once or twice a week with aaron whenever he could make the time for me. aaron and I got in more fights and I kept focusing on Elliott, hoping that eventually I could tell him how I felt and i wouldn't be left standing there with my heart in my hands and he wouldn't take it. I was so scared that I would give up a relationship that was practically set in stone and then I would just be left alone..having broken up with a guy I thought I was in love with and broken hearted by a guy I knew I wanted to be in love with...

I went to CLU a few weeks later and I was more nervous than ever. I knew elliott was only 5 minutes away from my room, and I knew that aaron would be talking to me more making sure I wasn't doing anything stupid or making any decisions that he wouldn't like. I went to all the orientation events and I finally saw elliott. He was with his parents and I could see him from where I was sitting in the gymnasium but I didn't want him to think I was a stalker or anything so I just watched him from a distance. Every now and again he text me asking me where I was sitting, what i was doing, if had ate yet..but we never really got to hangout. The second night we were there, we both went to this event in the park. Afterwards with my heart pounding non-stop,and my stomach in more knots than I thought possible I walked back to the dorms with him and he asked me to come over to watch a movie. I nervously said yes and sat with him and watched the movie...this continued for the next few nights and I couldn't stop thinking of him. I didn't really talk to aaron and I thought more and more of breaking up with him. I didn't care if it meant that I'm taking the chance of elliott not being the one for me or not..I just wanted to know, wanted to know if maybe what i was dreaming and thinking could be the real thing. So that's what I did..Elliott and I started to hangout more and I started to notice that he could actually be the real thing. He was acting like he liked me anyway. We started cuddling the night we watched transformers, even though I was still dating aaron, and then we went to the beach the following weekend...Everytime I  had gotten really close to his face all I could think was how his lips could possibly feel against mine. were his lips smaller than mine? would they be slobbery kisses? or would it be perfect? the kiss I needed to seal the deal..I had always read into kisses and thought that if the kiss was perfect..than the relationship was destined to be perfect too..so there we were at the beach and he finally kissed me..the feeling was amazing. my stomach went into a million knots as he moved in, but afterwards it was an amazing feeling of relief and comfort that washed over me. I had no doubt that he was the one for me and I would do anything to make sure that nothing and no one got in the way of me finally being in the perfect relationship for me...So that day I finally broke up with aaron, I know that technically I cheated on him but I know there is nothing I can do about that and quite frankly it doesn't matter. i wasn't in love with him, i was in love with elliott, and it wasn't really cheating because he had said that we were in an "open relationship". I know what that means..and i know that one kiss isn't against what he thinks an "open relationship" is...so I really don't have any regrets about that. that kissed had sealed the deal for me. That night he and I did our traditional movie in his room and he kissed me again, and again, and again, and again. It was amazing because with every kiss I couldn't hold back a bigger and bigger smile as I realized that he was most definitely the one for me.  

As we laid there he had a weird look on his face that I hadn't seen before. It wasn't a look of regret or anything, but a different kind of happiness. So I scooted back from his kiss and got comfortable, he watched me the whole time and then I finally looked at him and asked what was up. He didn't say anything at first and then I asked again what is it Elliott..his look got more smug and he looked right at me with his green eyes and said i love you. I had never felt so happy before, but I didn't want to say it yet. I wanted to work up to it and surprise him just like he had surprised me. My birthday came and went two weeks later, and it was amazing. He had done so much for me and he kept proving to me that he was the one for me and I couldn't' be happier than I was when I was with him...nothing could be better. So he drove me back to my hotel, because I was staying with my parents..and thats when it happened. I turned to him with the same expression. and he looked at me with that quizzical look, because I doubt he had seen me look at him with this much confidence. I was ready to lay my heart on the line, hoping he would pick it up and embrace it, embrace me, and everything that came with me..because I'm quite the package with my past, my family, and the relationships I had been in. So i said it, i said i love you and I gave him the biggest smile I think I had ever made. I couldn't help but giggle as I saw his face light up and I realized that this was going to be the beginning of my love story, my love story that I didn't want to end.

It was finally the relationship that I wanted to be in. I know there's a thousand and one more instances I could write down in here about how amazing this boy is, how much he loves me and I love him. we do everything together and nobody on campus can picture one of us without the other by our side. I feel connected to him in every way and I never want the connections to be severed. He's the guy I can see myself being with till the end of my days, he has helped me release my fears, my worries, my doubts, and he's helped me grow in love, in faith, in happiness and he's helped me be happy with what I have. To not just want want want, but to give give give. He's taught me to rely more on God, to stop worrying all the time because He won't give us anything we can't handle. He loves that I'm obsessed with cuddling, and he's the best cuddler I have ever been with. He knows when I'm thinking about something thats troubling me, and he knows the difference between my nothing that actually is nothing, and my nothing that is actually something. He can read me better than anyone I know, even my family. He knows all my expressions, what I'm trying to say before I can say it, and even when we kiss it's like we're sending another message to eachother. We never focus on a fault that one of us may think we have. we can joke and play around without the other getting hurt, and we give eachother and eachother's friends advice like we've been around eachother forever. I never thought that when I went to have some of the best years of my life that I would end up making the best decision of my life as well.

I had finally found the man that made me realize that soulmates do exist, that there is such things as true love, and that you don't have to be perfect to have a perfect relationship. He and I have a perfect relationship and I thank God and pray to God that things never change between him and I. I have finally found a man that goes past my "rome and juliet" stereotype, and past the twilight love that many girls seek after as well. He fits every characteristic, hope, and dream that I've ever had about the guy I wanted to be with. and I could never be happier. I love him. I love everything about him, and I love everything he will be.

When 11:11 rolls around I don't know what to wish for, it's hard to make a wish when the only thing I've ever wanted is finally in my life, the only one I've ever wanted is in my life..and he loves me so much that he never wants to leave,and I never want him to <3 He is my definition of happiness, and my source of love.

I love him unconditionally and irrevocably.

Tabi